Houdini Dog

Levi should be renamed Houdini. He managed to escape between the four-inches-apart slates on the white, plastic fencing while Mom sat reading the paper only eight feet away. She thought he'd gained too much weight to fit through them so he was in the dog yard without his retractable leash on. Surprise! All that hair of his is deceptive.

He was gone five-six minutes after Mom noticed him missing and she went into a full panic attack. She did manage to grab the dog whistle and she alternated calling his name and blowing the whistle, forgetting to yell "come" as she'd been practicing with him in their mini training sessions. On her second pass through the back yard she found him chasing one of the robins he's been barking at since they came north. That boy is going to a sissified ornithologist when he grows up. He loves birds so much he even barks at the life-size polyresin owl who watches the house from the pine trees. Anyway, Levi came right to her and it was a good thing, too, because he was about to go up a hill too steep for Mom trail after him without having a heart attack in the process.

That afternoon Mom spent several hours putting plastic lattice work around the outside of her beloved white picket fence. Mom can fix anything with duck tape, bungee cords or electrical plastic ties. This job called for the ties and the left over material that was used to enclose the bottom of the deck, keeping out the wild animals---well, sort of. The rabbits have chewed themselves many access points of entry and departure. But I digress. Mom only had a cheap hand saw for cutting plastic so it took her forever to accomplish the job. Mom told Dad she'll probably have to put bricks at the bottom of the fence when Levi figures out that he could dig his way to the backyard bird sanctuary.

Speaking of digging, Mom got the patio stones down over my grave but my baby brother likes to dig in the soft dirt around the edges, so mom is going buy more of them to stop his chances of getting to my bones. But what if he keeps digging around the edges of the new row of stones and she keeps buying more stones? By the end of summer the dog yard will become a patio! And all because my grave is taking up a couple of feet near the garage wall.

Mom read something in a book about setting up a kid's sandbox for puppies to dig in. In theory you bury toys in the sand to get the puppies started digging in their only approved digging area. I'll have to ask around and find out if any of my new pals up here ever had their own sandbox. I'd hate for Mom to buy one and have Levi dig all around the outside of it instead of inside. She could fall over dead hauling bags of sand to the back of the house. Unfortunately, my dog-to-human telepathy doesn't seem to work from up here so I'm going to have to find another way to let her know what I find out. ©
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Me and my Friend, Charmin

I love toilet paper. My humans buy Charmin Ultra and that's my favorite brand, too. I can snatch a mouthful, run out of the bathroom and half way across the bedroom before it quits following me along.

My folks play a fun game with me and the toilet paper. They take the roll off the roller and put the paper high on shelf where they leave it for a couple weeks, hoping I'll forget how to play the toilet paper game. Then, when they put it back on the roller, they sit back and take bets on how long it takes me to discover it again. I'm pretty smart. I usually find it right way and off I go with my mouth full of Charmin. Again.

I haven't had this thing for toilet paper my entire life. In my first two years on earth I was pretty persistent and played with my friend, Charmin, a lot. Then I quit for twelve years 'cause I got busy with other stuff. And last year I started the game back up again for reasons my humans don't understand. They even talked to the veterinary about it, as if she's a mind reader. NOT! No, doc, I'm not bored. I'm not senile and I'm not going through a second puppy-hood, thank you very much. I just enjoy messing with my humans.

For all you pups out there who also love the toilet paper game, I want to share my tips for getting around the traps that our humans like to set.

Trap #1) Red pepper inside the roller. This is easy to over come. Just turn your face away and beat on the Charmin with your paw until all the pepper falls on the floor. Then you can proceed as usual.

Trap #2) The child proof gadget. It has an elastic strap that keeps you from grabbing a mouthful of toilet paper and take off running. This is when you switch tactics on your humans and just bite off large chunks of the white stuff instead. It's fun to watch my mom's exasperated face when she tries to use my special puppy-pinked toilet paper.

Trap #3) The Cool Whip cover. Some humans will try to cover up the toilet paper thinking out of sight is out of mind. They'll remove the bottom off a Cool Whip container, cut a slit up the side and pop it over the toilet paper. Trust me, these homemade covers are quicker to remove than the time it takes your humans to make them.

Trap #4) The closed door. I'm pretty lucky. My humans can't close the bathroom door because it would make it too hard for my wheelchair bound dad to get in. But for you dogs who've run into this trap, check to see if the door has a lever or knob style opener. Levers are easy---I can open them---just jump up and pull down on the lever and presto the door opens. If you have knobs it's a much harder trick but I've heard of dogs who could master it. Don't be discouraged, keep trying.

There you have it, all my tricks for winning the toilet paper game. If you've learned any others, let me know. We dogs need to stick together and share the fun. And remember, if you can get your family to buy Charmin Ultra, it works the best. ©
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